Brunch With Krieger
by Red Witch
Summary: Nothing like eggs, semi-legal brownies, mimosas, a bat invasion and robot bears to get over a breakup.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has just gone out to brunch. Just some more madness my tiny little mind came up with that takes place right after Wilting Cherry Blossoms of Light.**

 **Brunch With Krieger **

"I have to ask," Lana looked at the table in the bullpen laden with egg sandwiches, several pitchers of an orange liquid, donuts and other pastries. "What is this?"

"Brunch!" Pam grinned. "Part breakfast. Part lunch."

"I know what brunch **is,** Pam!" Lana snapped. "I meant in the context of the situation."

"Ohhh," Pam nodded. "That makes more sense."

"Does **anything** make sense around here?" Cyril sighed. "Pam would you please explain why the bullpen looks like the first floor of a discount hotel?"

"We thought we'd cheer Krieger up," Ray explained as he poured himself a drink. "Mimosa?"

"Why not?" Cyril started to pour himself a glass. "I assume this is all from the café next door?"

"Most of it," Pam said.

Cheryl held up a pan. "I made brownies! With Pam's help!"

"Am I guessing these brownies have a 'special ingredient'?" Ray smirked.

"Purely medicinal," Pam nodded with a grin.

"What the hell?" Cyril sighed as he took a brownie. "I'm in."

"God bless California," Ray grinned as he took a brownie.

"Cyril! Ray!" Lana protested. "It's nine in the morning!"

"That's why I'm drinking a **mimosa** , Lana!" Cyril snapped. "What part of the concept of brunch do you **not** get?"

"I'll just stick with the egg sandwiches," Lana took one. "Okay and maybe a mimosa too? After the disaster of a day yesterday I need something."

"It was an odd play wasn't it?" Cheryl asked. "And that's me talking!"

"Not just the play," Lana glared at Cheryl.

"What?" Cheryl asked. "What did I do?"

"You got us kicked out of hospital," Pam told her as she grabbed a bearclaw. "Gluteus Moronicus!"

"I'm not the one who punched a guy," Cheryl pouted as she poured herself a mimosa.

"You bit a nurse!" Ray said.

"She wouldn't let me glue up!" Cheryl protested. "What? Like it's some kind of health code violation or something?"

"You explain it to her," Lana said to Ray. "I just don't have the energy to do it today. AJ was still a little hyper from the birthday party at the racetrack."

"That's what I should do for my next birthday," Pam said.

"Fine," Cyril quipped as he ate his brownie. "I can ride you to the finish line and win the Trifecta."

"Cyril that was crass and rude," Pam said. "Good for you."

"Well these brownies do have a kick," Cyril admitted.

"You should get a kick," Lana groaned. "And so should Mallory and Ron."

"And Mitsuko for literally bringing down the house," Pam added. "But what did Ms. Archer and Ron do? Besides being their usual charming sophisticated selves?"

"Each other in the driveway," Ray quipped.

"Where all the neighbors could see them," Lana groaned. "And unfortunately, me…"

"Oh my God!" Cyril gasped.

"EEWWWWW!" Cheryl winced. "Old people sex! Gross!"

"Good for them!" Pam said. "I've always wondered how those two stayed together this long."

"Who stayed together this long?" Krieger walked into the room. "And what's with the buffet?"

"Ms. Archer and Ron," Pam explained. "And this is brunch!"

"Ohhh," Krieger noticed something. "Sorry. I didn't see the mimosas."

"It's okay," Cheryl waved. "I baked brownies!"

"With supervision," Pam added. "Lots of supervision. But she did technically bake them."

"I turned on the oven!" Cheryl cheered. "And put in the special ingredient!"

"The special **medicinal** ingredient," Ray grinned as he finished his brownie and went for an egg sandwich.

"So it's a Wake and Bake Brunch?" Krieger asked. "Yes!" He reached for the brownie. "What's the occasion?"

"Celebrating failure apparently," Cyril groaned.

"Ignore Mr. Sunshine over here," Ray told Krieger. "We thought you might need some cheering up after…You know? The whole blowup with Mitsuko."

"How are you holding up Krieger?" Pam asked.

"I'm okay," Krieger waved. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this breakup coming. Honestly I could use the break."

"That's the spirit!" Pam said cheerfully. "If at first you don't succeed…"

"Fail, fail again…" Cyril grumbled.

"Plus, I'm not technically alone," Krieger waved. "Not with ol' Teddly!"

A certain furless robot bear danced in. "Ta-dah!" It said.

"Jesus Christ!" Cyril gasped. "Please tell me I'm hallucinating already!"

"Noope," Lana groaned.

"Oh goody," Ray remarked. "He's got the robot bear again."

"Well at least it's not radioactive pigs," Pam told him.

"Good point," Ray sighed.

"Well that's just not creepy at all," Lana groaned.

"Actually, Lana it is kind of creepy," Cheryl winced. "Where's its fur?"

"I haven't managed to grow it yet okay?" Krieger protested. "It's a lot harder to grow than skin."

"Just the perfect way to start our morning," Cyril sighed as Teddly danced around. "A drug filled brunch, booze and a robot bear."

"Do I even want to **know** what you're doing with this dancing bear?" Ray asked. "Simon Smith?"

"He's just a good companion," Krieger shrugged as he ate his brownie and downed it with a mimosa. "Someone to talk to."

"Why would you make a terminator version of Teddy Ruxpin again?" Lana asked.

"Well it was going to be a prototype of a new cyborg," Krieger admitted as he got an egg sandwich. "And a playmate for AJ."

Lana narrowed her eyes. "That thing is not going anywhere **near** my child."

"I'm not exactly sure I want to be near this thing," Cyril gulped.

"Teddly is harmless," Krieger protested.

"That's what you said about those damn Komodo dragons!" Ray snapped.

"Well obviously I didn't have enough tranquilizer darts at the time," Krieger shrugged then started to eat.

"Hey I have an idea," Pam turned on the TV. "Let's just stuff our pie holes and watch the morning news?"

"Yeah let's have some morning pablum!" Cheryl cheered as she ate a brownie.

"I like Wake Up LA with Ken and Trudy," Krieger said. "They have such playful banter."

"Ooh didn't you hear?" Ray asked. "Ken and Trudy are off the air."

"What happened?" Krieger asked.

Ray explained. "Trudy playfully bashed Ken in the kneecaps with a stage mike after he bantered that she was getting crow's feet."

"Let's just stick to the morning news," Cyril sighed as he turned the TV on.

The scene was of a familiar African American newswoman at a desk. "This is Darlene Love of Jaguar News continuing with our breaking story. Authorities are baffled by a sudden invasion of bats in the Beverly Hills area."

"Uh oh…" Krieger gulped. "Maybe it's not the bats from the theater?"

"Yeah and maybe I'm going to be the next Mrs. Brad Pitt," Pam rolled her eyes.

"I didn't know Brad was dating again," Cheryl blinked.

Some footage of rich people in an outdoor gala setting at night running from several bats that were flying everywhere was shown on screen. "The bats were first reported during the first annual Save The Endangered Princess Moth Fundraiser," Darlene reported. "Which sadly has now been renamed the **last** Save The Endangered Princess Moth Fundraiser."

"Bats do love moths," Krieger remarked.

"It was so strange," A disheveled blond socialite with the name Tiffany Binkleswig under her name was shown. "These moths had been grown from caterpillars in special scientific labs…or something. And we decided to release the moths from captivity to freedom at the height of the gala…And as soon as we let the moths out…All these bats just started showing up and swarmed the whole fundraiser!"

"They **really** love moths," Krieger said.

"No one is sure where the bats came from," Darlene reported. "But there are reports of swarms of bats last night flying from downtown Los Angeles…"

"Let's put **something else** on…" Cyril changed the channel.

"Actress Candy L'Amour had to get rabies shot this morning after reportedly being bitten by a bat…"

CLICK!

"Swarms of bats have been spotted flying over Beverly Hills. Scientists are stumped as…"

CLICK!

"Animal control and scientists have been called to the bat invasion of Beverly Hills…"

CLICK!

"Bats swarmed the sky of Beverly Hills…"

CLICK!

"Witnesses claim the cause of the three-car pileup downtown was when drivers were startled by a swarm of bats…"

CLICK!

"The endangered Princess Moth has now been declared extinct thanks to a freak bat attack…"

CLICK!

"Fashion designer Koo Koo Kachew and several of his models were rushed to the nearest rabies clinic when bats invaded his outdoor fashion show in…"

CLICK!

"Chaos broke out on the set of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when a scene at a pool party was interrupted by a flying horde of bats…"

CLICK!

"Actor Harley Steen was taken under psychiatric care this morning after he swore that vampires were out to get him. It turns out that his Beverly Hills home was merely infested with…"

CLICK!

"Have bats in your belfry? Bat's All Folks Exterminators will make your bat problems fly away!"

CLICK!

"The old Glamour Theater scheduled for demolition prematurely collapsed in the middle of the night. Apparently, there was some kind of incident with some trespassers putting on a show of some sort. There were no injuries reported but several cars were damaged from the collapse. Police are looking for a man described as Caucasian, bearded and wearing a lab coat…"

CLICK!

"More fallout from the Long Water scandal today as Hedge Fund Investor Gordon Gallipot was arrested…"

"That one wasn't **me** ," Krieger pointed out. "Just want to be clear on that."

CLICK!

"Actor Sorrel Stantonhope was rushed to the emergency ward to be given rabies shots after a bat attack at his home in Beverly Hills…"

CLICK!

"The reports of the mayor of Los Angeles being bitten by bats are unconfirmed as…"

CLICK!

"Coming up, how do you protect yourself against a bat attack?"

"Fun fact," Krieger spoke up. "Bats usually don't attack people unless they're sick or agitated."

"If my home was blown up in an extremely violent way I'd be agitated too," Lana looked at Krieger.

"Oh yeah," Krieger realized. "That would do it."

CLICK!

"Bat's Gotta Hurt Pest Control are specialists in…"

CLICK!

"The number for dealing with chiroptophobia is…"

CLICK!

"More fallout from the disastrous Tuntrado incident. The Tunt Corporation has been fined in excess of over twenty million dollars due to proof of shoddy workmanship as well as obtaining resources from countries on the banned list. Which is technically light treason."

"Again, this one **isn't me** ," Krieger pointed out.

"The Tuntrado 3000 has officially passed the DeLorean as the most controversial car ever made and could possibly bankrupt the entire…"

CLICK!

"Hang on," Cheryl blinked. "What was that **last one?"**

"Just eat another brownie," Pam sighed.

"Okay," Cheryl ate another one. "What were we talking about again?"

"Nothing important," Cyril sighed as he turned off the TV. "However, there is a slight chance we may need to leave town very soon."

"What about Archer?" Pam asked.

"Archer **who?"** Cyril asked innocently.

"Morning idiots," Mallory walked in. "I'd say good but…Who am I kidding? What the hell is all this?"

"We thought we'd try to cheer Krieger up from his breakup," Pam explained. "Since he's kind of having a tough time."

"Oh, **he's** having a tough time?" Mallory said sarcastically. "What about **me?** "

"What **about** you?" Cheryl asked.

"Well for starters I just got a call from the hospital," Mallory snapped. "They figured out the cause of those bruises on Sterling's stomach! Someone has been punching him!"

"What?" Everyone shouted.

"Whaaaaa….?" Cyril's eyes darted around. "Did they figure out who…?"

"Yes!" Mallory glared at him. "Dr. Drexel!"

"Dr. Drexel figured out who was hitting Archer?" Cyril blinked.

"No, you idiot!" Mallory snapped. "Dr. Drexel **was** hitting Sterling! Because apparently Sterling hit on his now ex-wife years ago."

"And then proceeded to hit it some more," Pam guessed.

"Ding, ding, ding! Ding-A-Ling!" Mallory said. "You win the Golden Bearclaw!"

"Hang on," Cyril did a double take. "Someone **else** was…? Uh…."

"I'm starting to think there isn't a zip code where Sterling hasn't used his penis," Mallory groaned. "They caught him last night where he confessed everything."

FLASHBACK!

"Let me at him!" A bearded doctor screamed as he was being restrained by hospital security over Archer's bed. "Let me at him! He has to pay for what he did to me! He ruined my marriage! He slept with my wife! ON MY HONEYMOON!"

FLASHBACK FURTHER…TO A CERTAIN ISLAND YEARS AGO…

"Dude who leaves their wife to go gambling on their honeymoon?" Archer snapped. He was in bed with a naked brown-haired woman. The only thing he was wearing was a beard he grew.

"I only left for an hour!" Dr. Drexel screamed. "How can you **do** this to me?"

"Well honestly she's pretty hot," Archer said. "And this happens a lot more than you think it does so…Oh wait. You're talking to **her,** aren't you?"

"DUH!" Dr. Drexel shouted. "Alexis how could you do this?"

"I'm drunk," The brunette hiccupped. "Obviously."

"Wow," Archer snickered. "Seriously between her drinking and your gambling it sounds like your marriage already has problems."

"You're going to have problems of your own!" Dr. Drexel made a fist. "YOU HOMEWRECKER!"

Archer casually punched the doctor out and he passed out on the floor. "Look uh," Archer scratched his head. "Sorry. I was gonna go but uh…You wanna do it one more time?"

Alexis paused. "Eh. Why not?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Wow," Cyril blinked. "What are the odds?"

"That Archer would come across either the husband or boyfriend of some dame he screwed?" Pam snorted. "One to one."

"That too," Cyril admitted. "Boy I really did get some of Archer's luck."

Fortunately, no one was paying any attention to him. "Anyway, the good news is that I managed to threaten to sue the hospital and they upgraded Sterling's room for free," Mallory groaned. "But they don't know the extent of the damage he's gotten due to Dr. Punchy! But that's not the worst of it."

"There's **more?"** Cheryl asked. "I'm only asking to be polite. I honestly don't care."

"I just found out our property taxes are going up," Mallory snapped. "And Ron is expecting me to pay for at least **half** of them!"

"Both New York and California just increased their state taxes," Cyril nodded. "A lot of people are moving out of state because of that."

"If it wasn't for Sterling I'd be **one** of them!" Mallory snapped. "I'd be on a plane to literally almost anywhere else by now!"

"Does that mean our taxes will go up?" Pam asked.

"Most likely," Cyril groaned as he drank another mimosa. "Great. Just what we need. More bills we can't pay."

"And I got another citation from my neighborhood association," Mallory added with a shrug.

"For what happened in your driveway?" Lana asked even though she knew the answer.

"Oh yeah," Mallory admitted. "Worth it. I'm not going to pay it anyway."

"Didn't think you were," Lana sighed.

"So, is there **anything** going on I should know about?" Mallory asked. "Anything at all?"

Everyone looked at each other. "No," Almost everyone said as one.

Except of course for Cheryl. "Well there's this huge bat attack in Beverly Hills where a lot of people had to get rabies shots and…"

"Never mind!" Mallory waved. Then she saw Teddly. "What the hell is **that?"**

"Cyberneddly Teddly," Krieger said.

"Oh God that thing is **real?** " Mallory groaned as Teddly started dancing around again. "I remember now…I thought that thing was a hallucination!"

"Nope," Lana sighed as she finished her mimosa. "You want a mimosa?"

"Desperately," Mallory groaned.

"Over there," Cheryl pointed. "By the brownies! Have one!"

"Don't," Ray warned. "They have a special ingredient in them."

"Special ingredient as in legal in the state of Flake-A-Fornia?" Mallory asked.

"As long as you have a doctor's note," Krieger said. "Which I do. I mean I do make them and I have plenty of actual legal pads…"

"Oh, what the hell?" Mallory took one. "When in Rome…"

"We're nowhere near Georgia," Cheryl said. "Or Maine. Or Illinois. Or Indiana. Or…"

"WE GET IT!" Lana snapped. "Mallory are you sure you want to do that?"

"Is it your cheat day?" Pam asked.

"It's my I'm Fed Up with My Life and Want to Forget It Day," Mallory took a bite. "These are actually good."

"I made them!" Cheryl said happily.

"She turned on the oven," Pam explained. "I supervised. And by supervised, I mean I did most of the work."

"Yes, but I turned on the oven which means I'm the one that actually baked them!" Cheryl pointed out.

"Can't argue with that logic," Mallory sighed. "And by that logic I mean absolutely **none** at all. I'll be in my office." She took one of the pitchers of mimosas with her as she left.

"She is taking everything remarkably well," Krieger said. "And the brownies haven't even kicked in yet."

"Well," Cyril sighed as he drank a mimosa. "Nothing is going to get done today."

"As opposed to any **other day**?" Ray quipped.

"There is one thing that concerns me," Lana said as she finished her egg sandwich.

"One thing?" Pam asked.

"What happened with Mitsuko?" Lana asked. "Where is she now? I mean as a sentient program she could literally go anywhere."

"And do anything," Ray realized.

"Or **anyone,** " Pam added. "Zing!"

"Guys don't worry," Krieger waved. "She comes back. She **always** comes back."

"But from **where?"** Ray asked. "That's the Sixty Million Dollar Question."

"Here's my question," Pam spoke up. "What the hell are we going to do today? Besides getting baked?"

"I could go to the beach," Ray said.

"Me too," Krieger said.

"I got our bathing suits in the car," Pam said.

"Yes!" Cheryl cheered. "Let's play hooky!"

"Hear that Teddly?" Krieger said. "We're going on a field trip!"

"You're going to bring Robo Bear?" Ray asked. "Yeah, **that** won't get us any looks!"

"So basically, concerning Mitsuko," Lana spoke up. "Our plan is to do nothing until whatever she does bites us in the ass?"

"Do you have a better idea of tracking a sentient computer program that can literally go anywhere?" Krieger asked.

Lana paused. "I'll drive. But someone has to stay here. Not it."

"Well Cyril is the head of the agency," Pam looked at Cyril.

"Interesting when you **do** admit it!" Cyril snapped. "Fine! Go to the beach! Leave me alone with Ms. Archer! I don't want to get sand in my shorts anyway!"

"See ya," Pam said as they got up to leave. "Wouldn't want to be ya!"

"Does **anyone** want to be Cyril **ever**?" Cheryl giggled as they left.

"I hope you get **sunburn!** " Cyril snapped as he grabbed the rest of the brownies. "Just for that I'm eating the rest of the brownies. Until I puke. Which will probably happen before I eat them."

He went to Mallory's office. "Ms. Archer? Mallory? Mallory?"

He opened the door and was assaulted with a loud blaring of jazz music. Mallory was lying back in her chair, shoes off her feet and pouring herself a mimosa from the pitcher she stole into a glass.

"Mallory?" Cyril blinked. "Are you okay?"

"Right as rain, Daddy-O," Mallory smirked. "What's up, Chump?"

"Uh everyone else just took off leaving us to look after the office," Cyril paused.

"Cool," Mallory said. "Cool. Cool. Cool. Ever notice how funny that word is. Cooooool."

"Wow," Cyril looked at the brownies. "This does have the good stuff."

"Just going to relax and chill my man," Mallory snickered. "I called you man. That's funny on so many levels."

"Yeah fine whatever," Cyril walked away.

"Close the door!" Mallory said. "I don't want to let the cooooool out. He, he…"

"Fine!" Cyril closed the door. "Well Cyril, once again everybody ditched you. That's you, Mr. Responsible while everyone gets to have fun."

"Everybody is off to have fun but Cyril," Cyril grumbled as he ate another brownie. "Why? Because Cyril you are an idiot!"

He opened his office door and found Mitsuko sitting on the desk. "I don't think you're an idiot," Mitsuko purred. "I think Cyril is very sexy."

"Huh?" Cyril blinked.

"Oh Cyril," Mitsuko giggled. "Want to have sexy fun time with Mitsuko? Remember? Like that time in New York?"

"Uhhh…" Cyril blinked. "Mitsuko are you trying to seduce me?"

"Uh huh," Mitsuko grinned. "And maybe if you have fun with Mitsuko, Mitsuko will help you? Like getting back at crazy old bat who is trying to steal your office?"

"Hang on," Cyril held his hand up. "I'm confused. The brownies are starting to kick in. Are you saying…?"

"That if you play with Mitsuko and help her get revenge on Krieger," Mitsuko grinned. "Mr. I'm Afraid of Commitment…Mitsuko will help you keep your agency."

"How?" Cyril blinked.

"Leave that to me," Mitsuko grinned. "Do we have a deal?"

"Oh, what the hell?" Cyril sighed as he closed the door. "Not like I have anything better to do. Or anyone better to do."


End file.
